Gayism: A Matter of Choice

Gayism: A Matter of Choice

Homosexuality is closeted in India. It is kept under wraps, even though, thanks to the publicity that activists have given to gay issues, at least the word 'homosexual' has emerged out of the closet. It has made its way into the columns of newspapers, in films and even into social chit-chat at clubs. Expressions like 'sexual identity' and 'sexual choices' are today accepted in a society, which in its modern avatar has been largely homophobic or prejudiced against homosexual people. There are no official estimates for India's gay communities but some gay organizations maintain it might be as large as 50 million people. When The Boyfriend, a book by R Raja Rao, a leading gay rights activist was launched in Mumbai's upmarket Oxford bookstore, the event was attended by the highly visible city glitterati.

Social Stigma
As Shaleen Rakesh puts it: “It is not easy to be gay in our country. There is immense social stigma attached to it. Families and friends assume that everyone is heterosexual. The abuse starts the moment a young gay person realises his desires. He is suddenly confronted with his 'otherness'. He fails to see any recognition for his feelings, his instincts and his emotions. On the other hand, everything around him says he isn't normal, an aberration, someone who went wrong along the way.” In the face of such forceful societal opposition, the self-esteem can take a mighty blow and many gay men and women succumb to this homophobia. Many gays make choices against their real inclinations and get married, thus repressing their desires for a lifetime. “Very few are able to stand up to the onslaught and try living on their own terms.”

Being and Declaring
In tradition-bound India, where homosexuality is either ignored or treated as a disease, it is hard for a gay person to openly declare his sexuality. But Mumbai has a thriving gay social scene with regular gay parties in pubs and discos, which are attended by middle class gay men, who dance with people from different social backgrounds and even foreign tourists. Yet there are only a few gay men in India who choose to live openly. “The number of declared gays may not be more than 100,” says Kavi Rao. Nitin Karani, who contributes to a gay website, says: “All we want is the acceptance that we exist and we are not different from heterosexual people, except for our sexual and emotional attractions to men.”

The hardest thing for some is to come to terms with their sexuality themselves, and for others it is to declare their choice to their families. Despite coming out several times on TV and in print, Karani says: “Until now, my parents pretend no one really understood what I said on TV or in the news. None of my relatives are dying to tell me how they read about me being a gay it is like don't ask, don't tell.”

Being a Lesbian
“Lesbian” which originally meant an inhabitant of Lesbos is now applied to homosexual women. The same parameters apply for gay women as for gay men. A society that states that they are abnormal, constrains their choices. “The women-to-women relationship is as simple (or complex) as any other love relationship between two people…the only difference is that here there are two women involved. They share their emotions, highs and lows, ups and downs, tears and laughter, and of course, sex is a part of it,” explains Sheeba (name changed), who has quietly moved in with her partner. Ruth, coordinator of Sangini, a helpline and support network for lesbian/bi-sexual/transgender women in Delhi, in an interview published in Femina September 2002, said: “I was heterosexual till the age of 20 or 21. Then I realised it was not what I was looking for. I didn't find it sexually satisfying, emotionally fulfilling and spiritually correct to be with a man.”

Helpful NGOs Shaleen Rakesh, who heads the MSM programme for the New Delhi-based Naz Foundation, writes periodically and passionately and even files public interest litigation to protect gay's rights. And recently, films like Phir Milenge and My Brother Nikhil have seriously and consciously taken the subject of homosexuality and AIDS to mainstream cinema. Among lesbian activists are Geeta Kumana, director of Aanchal, a helpline and support group for lesbian and bi-sexual women. Also there are Stree Sangam based in Mumbai, The Sangini Project and Prism in New Delhi, Sappho in Calcutta, Sahaya in Bangalore and Olava in Pune.

Natural Option
It is a myth to consider lesbianism as a sexual option that women take when dissatisfied by their marriages or as a result of some sort of sexual abuse by men. Says Rakhee (name changed): “People may say it's unnatural, well, it feels so right to me. It's the only natural option for me.”

Kamna (name changed) who works for a New Delhi-based travel agency, says: “Its not only at the sexuality level that you connect with the society. A lot of my friends are straight and accept me for myself else they wouldn't be my friends, would they? However, the fear of being ostracised is very real. “If we are known to be gay, we get stigmatized and are treated like weird specimens. We may lose our jobs and our houses. The truth is that society refuses to recognize homosexuality and while it is easy to pretend it doesn't exist, the minute the subject is raised, all hell breaks loose.” For centuries, the Indian society had taken the homosexual behaviour in its stride. It is high time it removed its British blinkers, inspired by Victorian prudery and gave individuals that constitute it the right to make their own choices.